When criticism is no longer constructive
Constructive criticism or for the ultra-sensitive; ‘feedback’ is both the devil and angel on our shoulders. Feedback from our leaders, colleagues, staff and friends all serve a very important purpose in our soul growth. However, there does come a time when feedback is not constructive, and we need to decipher when it’s a time to listen or when to say ‘thanks, but no thanks’.
Firstly, there’s the form of feedback which is overwhelmingly positive and supportive. It usually comes from our close friends and family; those who love us unconditionally. This blog experiment for me, has provided me this type of feedback in droves. Although on a side note; when I mentioned the blog to my Dad, the only feedback I received was “it didn’t sound like you wrote it”. LOL. (For anyone wondering, no, I do not contract my blog writing out to some mysterious professional). But our nearest and dearest are the ones who stand next to us when everything around us is collapsing. Their feedback feels warm and fuzzy and assures us that no matter what happens, they’re still going to be there. But my blog has provided me overwhelmingly positive feedback from an unexpected support network. Corporate men who can relate to my writing or have seen others go through what I’ve discussed. And I honestly cannot be more grateful for those who have privately reached out and shared their stories with me. It’s been heart-warming to say the least. But we can’t always just have the warm and fuzzies providing us feedback. We need the balance of both supportive and constructive, in order to truly grow.
I don’t know of anyone who would say receiving constructive feedback is fun. There’s something uncomfortable about having another person highlight your opportunity needs, well-intended or not. It is however, necessary. For anyone like me; with a healthy dose of self-awareness and an unhealthy dose of self-doubt, I am my own worst critic. In all my professional years, I’ve only ever had one performance appraisal shock me. All other appraisals I’ve been highly aware, either consciously or sub-consciously of what is coming. I’ve found when you already know, generally speaking, what is going to be said, you’re more likely to welcome the feedback in order for change to take place. It still may be uncomfortable, embarrassing or painful, but it’s something you are already aware of and therefore it’s easier to stomach.
As mentioned, only once have I received formal feedback which shook me. It wasn’t only ‘new’ information but it actually went against who I thought I was as a leader. My boss at the time, in a performance appraisal, told me I wasn’t good at managing people. I remember the words so clearly, even to this day, because it was like being kicked in the stomach. It left me breathless… and very, very confused. The relationships I have built with my staff over the years, although not perfect, has always been something I prided myself on. My ability to connect with, build rapport and lead with compassion are the cornerstones of my leadership style. I once undertook 360-degree feedback, which is anonymous feedback collated from my direct reports, colleagues and my leader to assist in providing a holistic appraisal of how I was performing. Funny thing with this type of feedback is, all it’s telling you is the perceptions from those around you, not necessarily the truth. More about perception later though… The feedback in this 360-degree report was unsurprising to me; my direct reports liked working with me, my colleagues not so much. See, when I balanced my value against my colleagues (as discussed in my previous blog ‘The Confidence Gap’) I started holding my colleagues to the same high standards as I held myself. Whether that’s fair or not, that’s what I did. And this isn’t necessarily a tactic for winning friends. But my Managers supported me, because I supported them. This confirmed my beliefs in who I was as a manager and as a leader. My bosses feedback in that (singular) performance appraisal (aka I hadn’t heard it before nor have I since) wasn’t necessarily baseless, but it wasn’t well-researched. I still don’t know 100% why I was given that feedback, so what I should have done at that point, was ask the question.
See, just as hard as it is to receive feedback, it’s also hard to give feedback. Constructively and respectfully. We too often are quick to judge, quick to comment, quick to joke. We disguise constructive criticism in a little outfit and call it well-intended. But most of the time, it’s not. It’s steeped in judgement, resentment, guilt, jealousy or just ill-informed perception. So, I’d say this is an easy rule to follow; if you cannot provide direct examples of poor behaviour displayed, proof or facts and then expressly juxtapose that with the required behaviour or outcome, then you’re not being constructive, you’re just criticising. And words DO matter. In my case, they mattered. They sent my confidence backwards and made me question my boss’s intentions and support of me. I should have questioned him on it. I should have said no, or insisted for examples, but I didn’t to my own disadvantage. As leaders of people, we all have to provide feedback; good and bad at varying stages. But we also have the responsibility when giving this feedback to be well-researched, personally prepared, polite and respectful. If we can’t be all four of these things, plus many more, then it’s not the right time to provide that feedback or even maybe, we’re not the right person to provide that feedback.
Then there are the instances when you do have proof, good intentions and great delivery, but it still goes astray. No matter how well we prepare and present ourselves to give constructive feedback, we have little control of how it will be received. My best example for this was when a colleague was asking for operational support, in the form of staff for a temporarily difficult period. I had already provided support previously and had received feedback from my staff that they had been treated with disregard, were under-appreciated and their temporary living conditions were less than comfortable. When my colleague requested additional support, I had to think about it. See, it’s my view that I’m not doing myself or my team justice if I don’t address the complaints with my colleague, and I’m certainly not being a team-player if I downright reject the request. So, I gathered the information from various staff, wrote notes on what I wanted to say and gathered myself as best I could. I presented that information in a professional and mature way, stating the facts as they were presented to me, advising future support was achievable however addressing these concerns would be necessary. My colleague responded emotionally; embarrassed and exhausted and I in turn met that with compassion and support. I was so impressed with myself after that conversation, I remember thinking that my boss was going to be so proud of me. I understand that my elation in that moment questions my past performance and that I recognise and accept as being true. Nevertheless, I was finally making progress!
Soon after, I received a call from my boss, hammering me for being unsupportive, selfish and basically, a bully. Much to my disbelief, my colleague had gone to our boss and complained about my unwillingness to support her. What I hadn’t prepared for was that my colleagues’ own insecurities, perception of me and competitive nature led her to behave in a way which I could never have controlled. This exact incident was formally brought up in my performance appraisals, two years in a row, ‘proving’ my inability to effectively communicate. The injustice of it all! My boss a few years later, asked me what I would do differently in the same situation. My answer… I wouldn’t have the conversation to start with. For my boss, he saw this as a massive cop-out and maybe it is. I could have opened the conversation with more questions and led my colleague to the answers instead of just outlining what I had been told, but even then, there’s no assurance that it would have been received well. When I think about it now, I don’t know if I would do it again. It caused a disturbance to my career that lasted years, but I guess what it did give me is a different type of learning. We can minimise the impact to the person receiving our feedback in many ways, but we don’t have complete control over how someone receives us. Especially if they’re over-emotional, lacks self-awareness or perceives us less than favourably.
There are endless quotes on perception. One of my favourites is “perception is real even when it’s not reality”. We are working within the constraints of how everyone around us, view us. Parts of their perception are based on truth but there are so many hidden parts of our personality, thoughts and actions, which we keep hidden. And in this land of unknown, is how perceptions are created. In the example with my colleague, her perception of me as a person/leader/colleague was one in which she had enough previous examples, for her to feel attacked by me. She had no knowledge of my honest intentions, my values of responsibility toward my staff, or the time and care taken in preparing for that conversation. So, her perception, led to her (unfavourable) actions, which turned into my reality. This is why providing detailed examples when giving feedback is so crucial. As without them, the focus is on the person providing the feedback rather than the receiver focusing on the internal change required. In relation to the 360-degree feedback from my colleagues, in honesty, I took it with a grain of salt. There were no specific examples, no pathway for action… just perceptions of others, shining their own biased light onto me. I didn’t have the time, energy or desire to actively change these perceptions, I just wanted to get on with my job.
All in all, constructive feedback can be like a minefield. There are things we can do as the givers and the receivers, to better have that conversation and ensure it’s productive. As a giver; being prepared, using facts and showing respect, set a good base for delivering some hard-hitting truths. As a receiver; we can drop our guards, opening ourselves to vulnerability, working on our self-awareness and also, showing respect to the person providing us the feedback. However, when we hear something that doesn’t sit right, that questions our beliefs or lacks foundation, then we need to muster our strength and ask questions. A small moment of discomfort, in asking a friend, colleague or boss for further examples could last, at most, 30 minutes. If we don’t, as in my case, the longstanding impact is increased self-doubt, which could last years and impact not just our relationships but also our career.
My learning’s from constructive criticisms:
- When receiving feedback – ask enough questions until you believe what they’re saying.
- When giving feedback – use facts, be prepared, be respectful, be polite.
- Keep your comments, judgements and perceptions to yourself, unless you’re willing to do the work to provide constructive feedback in a way which is actually, constructive!
