Mentors – can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em
During childhood, our parents, or the people who raise us, are usually the driving force of education and growth. As we age and become independent (aka start thinking we know everything) there are fewer people who truly influence us. Mentors however, when allowed, can be these incredible driving forces of growth, no matter our age or need for change.
I’ve been lucky to have two mentors so far in my career, neither of which were women. That’s not saying I haven’t had inspirational women around me. I absolutely have. These women are always trailblazers, fearless (even when they’re not feeling it on the inside) and have integrity in everything they do. Unfortunately, I’m yet to be gifted a FEMME-tor (yes, females mentoring females), to walk with me on my journey, but I’m always on the lookout for a boss-lady to relate to.
For the women I’ve proudly watch get promoted (which is only three in the past six years, I might add), from my viewpoint, I saw a shift in them, as women during their transition. Whether it be due to fear or lacking confidence to deliver at the next level or simply just trying to fit into a male dominant environment; it’s as if their feminist, out-spoken values were forgotten. For the women, wide-eyed watching below, it’s a crying shame. I’ve struggled with confidence issues my whole career. I couldn’t relate to the men surrounding me from above. I couldn’t see myself in those roles, because I couldn’t see my emotional tenderness and vulnerability from the people in those roles. I addressed this with my boss quite early on in my career, suggesting that a female senior leader come from another part of the business to counsel and open up about their career path, struggles and successes. The response to this (totally amazing and inspiring) idea, much to my surprise, was “I’m not sure anyone would want to do that”. Insert feminist outrage.
Although there is progress in the gender equality movement, this would be easier if the female leaders in our communities and businesses, continued their feminist stance and ideals even when, no sorry, especially when, they feel like ‘they’ve made it’. It doesn’t just sit with them though, we all have a part to play. I’ll put it as simply as this; any woman who holds a leadership position, no matter the role, should remember there’s always someone looking up to them. If you can FEMME-tor even one woman, then there’s more inspiration, more progress, more empowerment than before. And this is surely good for everyone.
Please don’t get me wrong, my male mentors are incredible, inspiring men and deserve every success they’ve achieved. It just would have been nice to have one woman to relate to, when my ovaries were crying out for a little compassion or empathy (read: pity). The time with my first mentor, although brief, was … interesting. One of the first things I learnt from him, went something along the lines of “if you want to learn how to do a job efficiently, learn it from a lazy man”. And that I did. He had his processes down to the bare minimum effort, and did it all with strength, ferocity and passion.
The biggest learning however was when I was having one of those ‘aches for empathy’ moments, which of course, I did not receive. However, I did get something better. During a time, in which I was struggling to build a connection and understanding with my boss (he by the way, is mentor 2), mentor 1 gave me this lifelong lesson; you are 50% of that relationship. Think about the simplicity of that. We can rarely control or change the opinions of others, especially during a time of misunderstanding or conflict, but we are responsible for 50% of the tension/ the blame/ the issues. We can only truly control and change ourselves and how we approach others. So, leaning into difficult relationships with compassion, a desire for understanding (which can only be achieved through asking questions and actively listening, whether you like the answer or not) and good intentions, is our best approach for having successful relationships (in all areas of our lives). What I noticed when I changed my approach toward him, is his demeanour changed towards me also and our relationship finally started to grow into one that was beneficial for both parties.
To describe mentor 2, is ah, difficult. Think stern, crazy intelligent and unrelenting expectations. Intimidating to say the least, especially to a woman in her 20’s, grappling with her self-confidence. My Mum reminds me of when I first started working for him, describing him as a ‘numbers’ person and questioning how on earth I would ever see eye to eye with him, due to me being a ‘people’ person. I can’t even begin to describe all the lessons I learnt from him because my growth during that time wasn’t just that of a business-woman or leader, but that of a human being. He challenged me, continuously, for aggressive growth. From my major opportunities, right through to as minor as his criticism not to start a sentence with the words “I feel”. Insert eye rolling emoji. You need thick skin for aggressive growth, which I certainly didn’t have at the time. It left me asking questions like “when will I ever be ‘enough’”? But it’s also addictive because when you can barely recognise yourself every few months, for the better of course, you don’t want to settle for anything less.
Before stepping out from under his mentorship, he advised me, knowing how stubborn and argumentative I can be, to find someone, anyone, to cut through my bullsh*t and challenge me with different perspectives. This is a lesson within itself. The people who oppose us, disrupt us and challenge us the most, are by far the most impactful in growth (albeit frustrating).
But just as much as they challenge us, remember that we are challenging them too. A mentorship should be beneficial to both parties. It’s all well and good to learn from these incredible, inspiring leaders but they too need to learn from us. This is their own growth journey. I’d like to think that I, in some way, helped my two mentors to work with and understand women better. Like being comfortable with countless conversations about feelings as well as endless tears (aka always have tissues on hand, no matter the reason for the conversation). It may have been frustrating for them at times, but I surely won’t be the last to ugly cry in front of them. So to them, I say ‘you’re welcome’.
My learning’s from my Mentors:
- Be a FEMME-tor. There is always someone watching, waiting to be inspired!
- Own your sh*t. If you want to have better relationships, own your 50% completely. If that doesn’t work, consider it may be time to walk away (with compassion and respect, of course!)
- Search for your disruptor. Find the person that opposes you the most and allow yourself to learn from them. Growth is the ultimate goal!
