Singledom

Previously, I’ve discussed the impact that other people can have on our lives and our growth journey… in this post however, I wanted to touch on what I’ve learnt from the empowering, and at times difficult landscape of singledom.

I’m a born and bred country girl and many of the people I grew up with partnered up and started their own families quite early on in their lives. Everyone knows the Facebook posts I’m talking about; the never-ending engagements, weddings and baby bumps. I too, assumed my life would follow a similar path, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. To provide context, I haven’t been in a significant relationship for a good part of the last decade. I’m sure psychologists could make a small fortune from me out of this very point, and to be clear, this wasn’t some grand plan of remaining single for my greater good, it just worked out that way. In my 20’s, my career became my life; my love, my passion, all-consuming.

For me, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. There was no significant other, so I had more time and energy to focus on work, and the more I worked, the less time and energy I had to ‘date’. Ugh, even now the word ‘date’ sends shivers down my spine. Sure, at times being single is difficult. I think one of my most frustrating solo times was navigating the purchase of Ikea furniture. Getting the flat packs onto the trolley, into the car, up two flights of stairs and then the impossible task of putting it all together… I’m an incredibly independent woman, but man, it’s at times like these you wish you had some muscle power (or just an extra pair of hands)! But there’s a lot of positive that comes from singledom. For the most part, this time has shaped me to be independent, resourceful and resilient. This is true in their most brutal definitions, as all three of those descriptors, can lead to isolation when not in balance. The point I want to be clear about though, is being single and being lonely are two very different things. I have not lived a lonely life. It’s incredibly important to develop a network of people around you to ensure that when loneliness does rear its ugly head, it’s only fleeting.

My family are, of course, single-mindedly supportive. Although I still distinctly remember the day my Nanna asked if I was a lesbian. I was about 27 years old, single and baby-less, so she was clearly covering her bases. Understandably, considering how many amazing women I’ve surrounded myself with, who all play an important role in my life. Different in their own unique ways, and all from varying parts and times in my life. My girls are the ones I lean on for advice, support, company and movie dates. Collectively, they fill the void of a relationship and that has negated any sort of desperate search for ‘the one’ (or even just ‘someone’).

Too often, near and far, I see both men and women jumping from relationship to relationship in the desperate search for constant validation. Where individuals can’t be by themselves, because they don’t know who they are without someone constantly affirming their existence. In this moment, we are putting our happiness and at times, our reason for living, in someone else’s control, which can never end well. There are countless reasons why people do this; everything from insecurities to childhood issues. I’ve seen the foundations of marriages, not built from love but from one being indebted to the other. Longstanding relationships continue even though one or both people are consistently unfaithful. The relationships we see all around us, most of the time, are not a walking Hallmark card. And that’s just reality. But surely, it’s also okay to have standards and be disciplined in not accepting anything that fails to meet our desires (the romantic within me pleads).

Choosing to be single (including ending a relationship), I believe, is one of the most difficult things any person can do for themselves. Working through your feelings, fears and doubts during singledom and then relying on yourself (and only yourself) to be happy, healthy and motivated provides a framework to living your best life no matter what your relationship status. Some of the best people I know, are single or have been single for a significant period within their lives. They are grounded, understand who they are and understand what they need in a relationship, for it to be worthwhile. And for me, this is the ultimate goal…

My learning’s from single life:

1. Surround yourself with only the best support network #lonelinessbegone
2. Take 100% ownership over your own happiness.
3. Stop settling for sub-par relationships, out of fear of being single. Sometimes the unknown is actually better!